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But whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God, the Creator of all Light, and He shines forever without change or shadow.    James 1:17

Creator of all Light, You shine forever without change or shadow. But what about the darkness I see here? It is all around, and I wonder would it consume me? There is no shadow in You, but at times there is in me. Eating away at me piece by piece. Yet I know this Creator. Who is Light. He lives in me, shattering any darkness that remains with His Light. It is what He offers, how I want to reside with Him in the Light. He can wash away the shadows hiding in the deep places. What must I do to have this all embracing Light? Ask Him to come. Simply ask and believe He will. And He will change everything. The Light will embrace me; never leaving me cold again.

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"But whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God, the Creator of all light, and He shines forever without change or shadow."   James 1:17

Creator of all light. You shine forever without change or shadow. But what about the darkness I see here? It is all around, and I wonder would it consume me? There is no shadow in You, but at times there is in me. Eating away at me piece by piece. Yet I know this Creator. Who is all light. He lives in me, shattering any darkness that remains with His light. It is what He offers. How I want to reside with Him in the light. He can wash away the shadows hiding in the deep places. What must I do to have this all embracing light? Ask Him to come. Simply ask and believe He will. And He will change everything. The light will embrace me, never leaving me cold again.

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My circumstances can color my view of the Father; if I let them. What I do have and what I don't have can determine my sight. If I allow it. Or I can choose to believe otherwise. He is good. He is faithful. He is healer. He is Almighty. That is what He calls Himself. It comes down to my choice. Do I allow my life circumstances to dictate my reality of Him? No, I refuse to let these small moments strip me of my Father. He stays the same. I am the one changing. Continually trying to look past what appears truth in this world, to the eternal reality of Him. The truth that never fails. I see unclearly, while He can see the finished result. Whatever happens in my life, I won't treat it as fuel to think less of my Father, but rather cling to Him and the many good names that belong to Him.

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Don't seek an experience. Seek Jesus. He is the One I want and need. To know Him more and more. That is my aim. Because when I know Him more, He helps me to live a truly good life. When my heart and head are full of the knowledge of Jesus my life becomes better. That is to say the state of my soul and internal life change for the better. External as well, but there will always be hardships and temptations while I remain here on earth. But when I know Him, He gives me the strength and grace to face each day. It is Him in me that makes life better. Jesus. I can be jealous over having an "experience". It seems that can be the only proof that He is moving and working in me. Yet He speaks to all His children differently. And when I am coveting another's story; I am missing my own. For He has His own way of ministering to me. One is not better than the other. My human nature likes to think otherwise. It is tiring and always disappointing when I am wishing for an "experience" like someone else's. Our God is too mysterious, too wild to only come in one way to His children.
Seek Jesus. He is the One who brings forth the transformation I am in desperate need of. He is a gentle pursuer. I think He moves in subtle, quiet ways that all add up to one big change. And He keeps on slowly but steadily pushing me in His direction and removing the stuff that hinders. Suddenly I realize He has been speaking to me for I am no longer what I once was. And He begins again in a different way. Shaping me into HIS. In the end, I guess I never needed an "experience". Just Him. Jesus.

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My spirit quickens when I think of knowing You fully. How I want to love You more. But with an actual feeling. No more head knowledge but heart knowledge. I want my heart to be changed by Your presence.  How I want to sit in Your presence gazing on Your beauty. Being shown Your glory and feeling the waves of Your love. Encounter is what I long for Jesus. A real, honest encounter. Putting aside all of my stuff, questions, issues; I want to sit before You. There is a great need for something different to happen. Greater truth and revelation to take place. I want to accept where You want to take me. And I want it to be full of joy- joy overflowing my spirit. No more duty but abandoned delight and love. Is this possible Lord? Will you take me on such a journey? Help me to throw aside my expectations, fears, judgements, religiousness, anything that hinders and holds me back from Your love. All the lies I have held onto- that only are breeding more lies. Jesus first and foremost, I want You always and forever. Help me to start moving in that way. Becoming like You, while soaking in Your presence. And from that place You will guide and use me as You want. Take me to that depth of devotion- devotion based on love, joy and delight. You are no job. You are worthy. Fill me eyes and soul with light from heaven. Eyes to see and ears to hear. Speak Jesus. Speak to those places inside me. Abide. That is what I desire. To be free and full of Your fiery love. Consumed by Your presence. I ask You for it Jesus.

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Are You my all consuming joy? My treasure? The one I would give everything up for? Do I have a distaste in my mouth for the sinful worldly things? I admit, it is not fully. But I want it to be. How I want to only want You as my treasure. Just You. For You are goodness, excellence, love, all that is pure and lovely wrapped up into one Being. You are what I want to desire most of all. None of the extras. So I ask only for  yourself God. Give me You. And let my heart respond in joy and love and gratitude. Joyfully praising You for Your unending glory. Show me Yourself, know me so on that last day I will be welcomed to stay with You forever. Do away with the untruths inside my mind. Rebuild it to know Your truth. To understand. Lord, help me to walk in the light. Let the light be a space I want to always live. Forgive me for not seeing You. For missing the truth too often. Turn my heart towards obedience. To respond in joy to the things You ask of me. Make me more into Your likeness. Everyday Father. Reveal Your heart to me. Teach me Your ways. Forgive me my faults. You need to be my pleasure, my joy, my treasure, my most loved, my prize, my heart's desire! The one to satisfy me fully. The best and greatest truth in my life. Crush what stands in the way. Burn inside my heart, so You can't be denied. Reveal the lesser things to me. The things that are wasting away and are eating at my soul. Change my heart Lord. Shift it into focus. Fill it with joy at Your beauty and glory. I want to always be responding in praise. You are the One. The One to remedy me. Thank you. Thank you Lord. Make me Your pleasure. I want to rest in Your arms Jesus. You are the most restful place to be.

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These past seven years I believe the Lord has been teaching me this lesson of sharing in others joys and victories. Especially when I may not have that joy yet. I can specifically remember years ago when things began to change in my friendships, it seemed to be all at once, I decided in my heart to rejoice in the blessings. And how that one moment has made all the difference. There was no way I wanted to become bitter and just dwell in my sadness. Not to say that there haven't been times or seasons of sadness and probably some anger. It can be hard seeing others get something you desire. But I always remember thinking, I don't want what I don't have to steal my joy or the joy I can have for others. The hardest part for me is how blessing in another's life changes the relationship. I don't know why it does but that is how its been for me. I know this is an area where if I let it, it would create much anger and bitterness in my heart towards my Lord. But that pains me even more to know and that is why I made the decision to share in others joys. My heart may be pained but I cling to the promise that there is a plan, a reason. None of what is happening is by chance but is rather molding me into a person I was made to be. And there are many secret joys yet to be uncovered in my life. And those friendships or relationships that change along the way, somehow He even supplies enough grace for that. It is good to know I have a Father who is kind and gentle with my heart and spirit. I have many questions but He always embraces me when I don't understand. And that is enough. So I continue to choose to rejoice with those who get a blessing; otherwise I miss the joy and His presence about me to ease the ache.

"Gabriel appeared to her and said, 'congratulations, favored lady! The Lord is with you.'... 

Mary said, 'I am the Lord's servant, and I am willing to do whatever he wants. May everything you said come true." 

Luke 1:28, 38

As Christmas is approaching I think of the story of Mary's visitation with Gabriel. Here is a girl, very young, being told she is highly favored by God. And straight from an angel's lips, so it must be true. How God looked upon Mary is how I want Him to look upon me. She must have been a very righteous girl and one who searched for the Lord. I often wonder how the Lord sees me. To be considered righteous before the Lord is a great honor. I never want to take the gift of salvation lightly or cheaply. Every day I have a choice, I choose how I relate to others, I choose the words I speak, I choose if I spend time with my Savior. And I choose how I respond in any situation. I believe the decisions I make today either lead me closer or further away from the Lord tomorrow. It is my choice to respond to his invitation. The other part I love about Mary is her response to Gabriel. She must have had a great trust and faith in God. When the Lord asks things of me, may my response be every time, "I am your servant. I am willing to do whatever you want." How such statements must please His heart. One day I hope to walk in that simple trust and obedience just as Mary did; despite the consequences.

Deeper, deeper still....

I was made for intimacy with you. Deeper and deeper still. My heart burns for such things. I want to taste your ever-lasting pleasures. How I want to live in your presence and see your glory. You say it is already mine. And somehow I still remain in my limited reality. Help me break through my unbelief and take me up to you. I know and say that you are good and now I need to actually taste it and feel it. Take me deeper, show me more. The deepness is scary and unknown Jesus, but my spirit is longing to be fed by you. Bring me the all surpassing joy! Of knowing and loving you. I want it to be mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. Everything wrapped up with you. Please don't release me. Don't let me miss it Lord. Pursue me until it breaks open. I want to hear you call me beloved and to look on me with pleasure. And to speak to me about things on your heart. Bring me into your courts to worship you. I ask to be shown you. You are so kind to me. Thank you for purchasing me. I want to live a life that chooses you every time. Who loves you with deep joy and devotion. One who doesn't count the cost but with joy sacrifices all. Set my heart ablaze with love. Love for you, delight in you. Reveal to me who it is I serve.