Two Sparrows

Do you ever get the sense that the thing you really desire isn't really what you want? The past couple of days I have come to the conclusion that I just want to encounter the Lord. I want to witness Him. I want my own story. I think about all the things I think I desire and I realize that they mean nothing next to Him. How can I continually abide in Him? How can I hear the things He is speaking to me? I hate how I become overwhelmed with my worries. This is not the Lord I serve. He brings peace. My worries deal with my control. It isn't about Him. It is about me. And my control. My fear to really let go and see what He does. He promises He supplies everything I need. Yet I don't believe it. I want my life to reflect the goodness and power of the Lord. And so maybe the things I think I desire are still about control? I want to live a life where He has to show up and yet it is the very thing I fear. I want it and I don't. Is my need to encounter the Lord greater than my dependence on self and comfort? I pray it is.